The (enormous) puzzle of a life and starting from scratch.

It’s been a while since I updated this, largely because there has been too much going on in my life. It’s ‘all change’ for 2012, and it’s a difficult time.

I’m in the middle of what feels like some kind of ‘perfect storm’ – three of the biggest things in anyone’s life have converged on me, needing dealing with all at once. And it’s hard, really hard. There have been days I’ve not been sure I could cope, times when life has felt like a million-piece jigsaw puzzle: which piece do you pick up first?

It’s not all bad, though, and I keep trying to remind myself of the positives: I have a job, for one thing. It might not be my dream job at the moment, and I might be struggling to settle in but, it’s a job, which is something I realise I’m very lucky to have (having experienced last year what it’s like to not have one). And I do love my flat: it’s small, but it’s mine (in the sense that I rent it, and there’s no one else in any of it), and it’s genuinely lovely. It’s somewhere I can take some pride in and make a home.

Location-wise, I’m alright too – I’m right on the tram route, which is a really cool way to travel, in my book, and it’s pretty reasonably priced. So hop on and we’ll go to town for a coffee, a sit down and a read. Not necessarily in that order.

I do miss certain things, though: I miss my social life back in Leamington, for example. It’s not even as though I ‘didn’t know what I had till it had gone’ – I totally knew what I had, but I had to give it up. As mentioned, employment opportunities are limited and who knows when the next job offer might have come along?

And life never stays the same forever anyway, as a friend told me. It will always change at some point, whether we like it or not. So, why not make changes while it’s in your power, rather than just waiting for them to happen? It’s sort-of a positive that I had some control in this: I could’ve turned down the job and stayed in Leamington, maybe found agency or shop work or something. But, eventually, my friends would have moved on, or settled down, and the scene would have changed. I might not have had my social life anymore, and then what? I’d be no better off than I am here.

I suppose, to stretch my earlier metaphor a little, the only way to complete a huge puzzle is to focus on one corner, one section at a time. And I guess that’s how to begin to deal with big life-stuff: one thing at once – like making my ‘home’ – one piece at a time. And, eventually, perhaps without even realising it, that puzzle might start to resemble a beautiful picture, something to be enjoyed, with a sense of pride in having made it.

Things I'm Looking Forward To:

Some thoughts on writing.

Writing is a funny business. First of all, it’s hard work. I used to imagine it’d be easy, that things would flow naturally, that the process of creating a work of fiction would be fun and sexy. But it’s not, it’s boring at times. Really boring.

Writer’s block is often a problem, though rarely from a lack of ideas. It’s more brought on by a lack of motivation to write the next bit of dialogue – which I hate doing – or to figure out how to get from one scene to the next in a natural, yet interesting, way. Or else, slightly more positively, there’s the fear of spoiling what might be, so far, a good piece of work.

Some days each word takes an excruciating amount of effort, and the word counter at the bottom of the document barely seems to move, much like the clock measuring how long I’ve been working.

But then on other days words just seem to flow. The story seems worth telling again, exciting even, and forming sentences is a pleasure. I begin to feel like that interesting, slightly mysterious, writer sat in the corner that I dream of being.

And for these days, it’s worth ploughing through the ‘work’ days, sticking at it in the dry spells when even fifty words is a major achievement.

Writing is fun and sexy, just like playing a musical instrument, or dancing a complicated routine. But it takes effort, practice, behind the scenes moments when it seems impossible. It’s only through the effort, practice, sweat, that something of worth can be accomplished.

'In a relationship...' *

I thought I’d take a little time out from the recent focus on my employment status (and emotional state!) to say something about my relationship status.

It probably didn’t go unnoticed, if you have been following my blog for a while, that I am in a relationship after a period of singleness.

At first the news was greeted with some derision by some of my friends because of my posts about staying single etc. But those posts were never about ‘staying single’ for the sake of it. They were about the amount of thought-time and energy I was using to find the right person.

Then, along came Steph, kind of out of the blue, from somewhere I never imagined I would meet someone ‘compatible’. Funny how these things work out.

There I was, thinking I was happy being single, when along came this utterly delightful, enchanting young lady who has taken my world, a world that, largely, I was happy with, and shown it to have actually been lacking something – someone – so...integral, who I never even knew.

(I’m very aware that she’ll probably read this, which is a bit weird for me as I try to be honest but not say anything that she’ll a) think is purely for her benefit or b) scare her!)

I wanted to outline some of the differences between being single and being in a relationship. Things that I hadn’t really thought about before: I’d expected there to be good and bad points to being part of a couple but, really, I can only think of good things. (Aside from the realisation of just how selfish I’d become, which was/is a difficult thing to see, but is undoubtedly a good thing to improve upon!)

I’m hoping that this post doesn’t come across as, ‘Hey, look at me, I’ve got a girlfriend!!’ I know that, if ‘single-me’ had read this, I’d have probably immediately been bitter towards the smug-coupled-up-person. So I want to say that life was good whilst I was single, I was happy that way...and if you are feeling that bitterness, then I understand and I’d say try and find things that you love to do. Work on being the person you’d like to be. While you wait for ‘someone’, start to live; fill your days building the foundations of a future – whether you remain single or not.

And then, one not very significant day, maybe someone extraordinary might just waltz in and re-paint your life with such vivid colours, that it’ll make the grey-wait entirely worthwhile.

And, if they don’t, you’ll still have your own dreams in the making.

Alternatively, roll your eyes, tut, utter things like, 'Easy for you to say,' and close your browser...it's probably what I would have done!

*Credit to Stephanie Angus (aka ‘other-Steph’) for this post-title - she used it first!

Winter blues?

As I mentioned last-post (it seems weird that ‘blog-posts’ have become a unit of time for me), I have reluctantly accepted that I’ve entered a period of ‘Depression’. I’ve been trying to deny it for about a month, but it’s obvious.

Mostly this has left me feeling frustrated – there’s no real reason for it, other than the job-loss, but that’s not what the empty-hollow-sadness-in-the-stomach is about. I don’t know what it’s about: like one of those itches you just can’t find, scratching at the spot you think it’s at doesn’t provide relief.

There’s a blog I like, and this week it had this post.

The beginning, at least, is how I feel at the moment. I feel frustrated because I can’t just seem to ‘snap out’ of my sadness, and I feel disappointed in myself because I’m better than this: I’m not being ‘me’ – the fun-to-be-with, creative genius that many people have come to know and love.

On the plus side, I’m out of bed (writing this in Starbuck’s (other coffee shops are available)), and refusing to give in. Yes, my days are a struggle at the moment, and leave me feeling somewhat weary just by living: CBT is great, but the thought processes take effort, and when it’s a near-constant stream of negative thoughts you have to challenge, it can be draining.

But there’s a song that cheered me up a little this morning: Fader by The Temper Trap.

It contains the line: ‘I pledge myself allegiance to a better night’s sleep at home,’ which, whilst grammatically awful, contains a kernel of some way forward: I might not feel like doing much, so why not just get a better night’s sleep? Sleep is healing, after all, and it’s Winter anyway, so what better time to hibernate a little?

And maybe my frustration can serve as a catalyst as well – I wrote about anger being a motivation once before, so, if I/we let it, perhaps frustration at a situation can give way to a stubborn refusal to give in. So far, at least, that’s where I’m at.

I’d just like a happy day or two along the way if that’s not too much trouble, Santa. Thanks.

What to do in a crisis of confidence?

Hold on to whatever talents we have...

So, the fateful day of my redundancy has arrived. Tomorrow I leave my job. And, yeah, it sucks. 

I killed my blog for a while as I took stock of my situation and threw myself into job applications etc. But I’m back. Because it’s good for me (and maybe you too?).

Sometimes things can affect us more than we think they will. I didn’t expect losing my job to matter that much to me, but it does. Several people have noted that I’ve gone into a bit of a ‘winter depression’ lately and I’m certain a) that they’re right, and b) it’s largely due to my impending unemployment.

What to do about it, then? A colleague of mine yesterday commented that being unemployed can vastly hurt your self-confidence: even ‘low’ jobs can start to seem overly aspirational (I’m not going to list any through fear of offending someone!), which is partly why I’m resurrecting my blog. Writing is something I believe I’m good at; it’s one of the few positive things I actually hold true of myself regardless of what anyone else thinks, and that’s due to some great, supportive, honest and trustworthy friends of mine who have given me confidence and chance to ‘fly’ with it. (Rebecca, that means you!)

My unemployment certainly has hit me hard. But I’m still a good writer. So, I’m trying to focus on that and the fact that not having to go to a 9-5 job gives me time and chance to pursue my writing. 

And that’s my advice for this post – losing a job, girlfriend/boyfriend, opportunity, or anything else doesn’t mean we’re any less of a worthwhile human being. We still have our unique strengths, talents, and great characteristics, so cling on to those and the fact of their existence. 

Which actually only leaves the financial implications of being out of work...I’ll let you know if I think of a solution to those.

Create because you want to, not to impress others.

A few things have happened lately:

1. I stopped blogging. This wasn’t intentional, I just did. I was tired, I was stressed, one thing led to another...yadayadayada.
2. I started comparing myself to other ‘good’ writers.
3. I started feeling that I’m not a good writer.

I think that counts as ‘a few’ things.

So I had a bit of a creative meltdown. But then I had an epiphany:

STOP TRYING TO PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE.

What I mean is I’d begun to try and write stories that other people would like. It had become my primary focus: writing to impress my friends/my colleagues/my tutor/potential publishers etc. I ended up tying myself in knots about how it wasn’t going to be good enough for them and I lost the joy of writing. I sat at the screen, unable to type through fear of writing ‘rubbish’. A form of writer’s-block, I guess.

Having realised this, the very same day I sat down to work on something, and just wrote to please me. I wrote what I wanted to write,  switching off that harshest of critics – the one in my head – who tells me my work is no good. Sure, my attempts might not be as good as those of my idols, or others in a similar field (I discovered one Jane Flett the other day, and was perturbed by the similarities) but, who cares? I like writing. Besides, that’s what editors are for, right?

Whatever you want to do in life, do it because you want to, not because someone else might like it. That’d be selling out, and no one likes a sell-out.

Except maybe concert hall managers.