How to be a success.

Is this all success is?

Success is elusive. It can be really difficult to achieve, particularly if by ‘success’ we mean writing a best-seller, earning a fortune, or having loads of people queuing for our autograph.

I confess I felt a pang of envy when I saw a line of people snaking through a shopping centre recently, all waiting for a book-signing at a nearby store.

I haven't yet considered my novel to be a success because I haven’t found an agent or publisher or sold many copies. And, by that yardstick, I may never be ‘successful’, which might be a bit depressing.

But success can take many forms. I can consider it a success I even finished the bleedin’ book at all, seen as I was working on it for four years among all sorts of other life events. And it’s a success it’s available for the world to buy, even if it is only on Kindle at the moment.

I think the modern world throws us so many ideas of what success looks like, and they’re not all helpful. Particularly in a world skewed towards helping those who have already reached that financial/popularity kind of ‘success’. (Publishers only accepting submissions from known contacts/bookstores only stocking books from established authors/marketing difficult to come by unless you've produced a best-seller already…)

It’s tempting to judge ourselves by that standard. It is, after all, quite tangible, and can bring a desirable level of comfort. (I have another blog-post in the pipeline about comfort and happiness, so let this sentence serve as my little ‘teaser-trailer’!) But we can be different; we can judge ourselves a success by meeting our goals, by completing our part of the bargain, by doing the best we can.

It might not bring the recognition of ‘the world’ but, ultimately, when the day is done, the lights go out and you’re lying alone with your thoughts, the only person you really have to answer to is … you. And if you’ve managed to be ‘successful’ in the work you had before you that day, then you can probably sleep a whole lot easier.

Because that’s all we can do: our work. It’s not up to me whether an agent picks up my book, it’s not up to me whether people buy it (did I mention it’s available on Kindle…? ;) ), but it is up to me  to complete my job, the writing, to the best of my ability.

If I’ve done that, then I’ve been a success.

What if...?

One of the key questions an author asks when writing a story is: ‘What if…?’ What if our hero met someone in a bar? What if they got lost on the way home? What if they found a treasure? Or, if we’re particularly short of ideas, what if ninjas burst through the wall?

In life, I ask the same question and, having finished my novel, I’ve been considering it from both sides: what if I am successful in my quest to find an agent/publisher? And, what if I’m not?

One time, I wrote a song, just after I’d finished recording an album:

Welcome by Martin Flett

Basically, I was tired, and on the way down from the completing-a-project buzz. I had no new material left and the last thing I wanted to do was to face writing a whole new album, to start from scratch, when I hadn’t been that successful with my previous effort.

But, I wrote the song, and my next album, Becoming Human, was born which, incidentally, remains my best musical work so far.

It is difficult facing the ‘what if not…’ question: the answer can seem to be that we’d have to give up on whatever ultimate ambition we have. For me, it might mean I can never earn my living as an author and will have to settle for writing for fun, alongside whatever average admin job I can find.

But, if we pick up the tools again and make the first step towards our next project, then the dream isn’t lost. It may merely be over the next mountain. If your dream is really worth it, then you’ll make that climb.

And, you never know: what if the second one is the best…?

How do you have fun?

Life can sometimes be work, work, work.

Fun doesn’t seem to feature in my life much.  I don’t really have time/money.

And I’m not sure this is a good thing.

I think having fun is important, I just find it hard.  When I use time on something meaningless, such as Football Manager, I consider it time wasted and feel guilty: I should have been writing.

The truth is, I’ve never really known what I enjoy.  My mother used to ask me: ‘Is there anything you do like?!’ after I had declared I didn’t like yet another activity: playing football, swimming, and youth groups, to name but a few.

Of course, there are things I do in my spare time: reading, playing music, or watching films, for example.  But I question whether I actually ‘enjoy’ them: are they fun?  Or do I do them to pass the time while I’m on the tram, or eating, or too tired lazy to write?

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned what I want to do: writing.  And I’ve found I can write and perform songs as a side-line.  But I don’t do them for fun.  In fact, when I sit down to write, it feels like far harder work than the time I sit at my desk 9-5. 

And having sat at said desk all day/week, which is itself particularly unenjoyable, it’s then difficult to  do the hard writing, even though I ‘want’ to do it.

In fact, it leads to great frustration: knowing I could do my writing, if only I didn’t first have to tire myself out in a day job in order to pay the bills etc.

Apologies.  I don’t mean to whine.

I think we all need time for relaxation, and fun.   If you’re like me, I recommend trying to allow yourself to have fun from time to time.  And maybe I’ll make it a belated New Year’s Resolution.

I could even schedule it in, and then it might feel like a work activity...

When you get to 80 years old, what do you want to have done in your life?

I don’t equate my life with my work. 

I recently had the (mis)fortune to overhear a conversation in which a girl was complaining about her colleague.  The colleague had said: ‘Work is not my life,’ having booked time off at Christmas.  The girl had responded incredulously, not understanding how he could think that when work enables the payment of rent, food and other necessities. 

Whilst the girl had a point, she misunderstood the point.   Her colleague wanted time off to see his family, and enjoy Christmas; that is where his ‘life’ is.  I feel very sorry, really, for people who don’t have a life outside of work.  If all we’re living for is to go to work and pay the bills, that seems soulless to me.  (I think, ultimately, the girl was simply bitter because she hadn’t been able to get time off, but that’s not really relevant.)

I think we all need something to live for – some purpose that keeps us going.  In my lowest times, one of the things I focus on is my desire to write at least one novel in my life.  It helps me to ‘keep on keeping on’, as they say.

I gave up a job about a month ago, even though I had a lot of fun there and it was (sort of) related to the career in Communications I think I’d like.  But it was too stressful: I didn’t have the energy to work on things I consider to be my ‘life’.  

Since starting my new, purely administrative role, my days are less fun, admittedly, but I am not coming home stressed and depressed, too tired to work on my dreams.  The reason my blog has been quiet, for example, is because I’m finishing off my album and I’ve been making progress on my non-fiction book.

If you want to do the things you really want to do in your life, but can’t seem to find the time or energy , maybe it’s time to consider changing something so you don’t get to 80 years old, filled with regret about the things you’ll wish you’d done.

Knowing your limits.

Not everyone can do this...

We all have limitations, no matter how talented or skilled we are.  And, while it’s good to push those limits, to stretch ourselves beyond what we can already do and improve, sometimes it’s important to know there are things we can’t do and should probably leave alone for the good of our health.

I’m talking mainly about mental well-being.  I know that, for me, recently I’ve had to accept that there are certain things I just can’t do; my mind could not cope with the stress or responsibility of a manager’s job, for example. 

This might sound pretty negative but I personally think it’s a good thing – if we know we can’t do something then, rather than forcing ourselves and making ourselves poorly, it’s probably better to do something else and have a better quality of life.

Continuing with work as an example, accepting a job less challenging or more mundane might seem like a sacrifice – we’ll probably end up bored and possibly unmotivated as a result.  However, we (or certainly ‘I’) might have the mental capacity to ‘be’ better outside of work, to give more to our loved ones and our hobbies – in other words, the things that make us happy.

Of course, some people find happiness in their work, and I envy them but I’m just not one of them, not until I’m a published author anyway!  And, the most likely way of that (or any other dream we may have) happening is by having the health/capacity to work towards it.

 In the long run, that ‘sacrifice’ might be worthwhile.

Real miracles and doing something worthwhile...

One of my favourite movies is Bruce Almighty (Morgan Freeman as God – what’s not to like??). 

In it, there's a scene where ‘God’ (Morgan Freeman) is talking to Bruce (Jim Carrey).  He says: ‘Parting your soup is not a miracle Bruce, it’s a magic trick.  A single mum, who’s working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that’s a miracle.’ (Bruce Almighty, 2003, Universal)

I used to want to change the world.  I thought doing something ‘worthwhile’ was the greatest ambition to have.

When I classified myself as ‘Christian’, that meant ‘saving’ the world: helping as many people as possible to become Christians (and since that can mean a million different things to a million different people, I’m still not sure what I was trying to achieve).

After that, it became my ambition to make the world a better place, to improve the lives of as many human beings as possible.  Perhaps classifying me as ‘Humanist’.*

Now, I'm starting to wonder if the best thing we can do with our lives is to do our best at the things we have to do.

I realise that’s one of those trite statements that probably doesn’t really mean anything, but hear me out...

The word ‘have’ in that statement isn’t meant to refer to things we must do, like chores.  I mean it as the things we have to do, in an ‘owning’ sense.  (Although that can mean chores sometimes...)

For example, some people are extremely talented musicians.  They can sing, or play an instrument, or write a musical in a way that other people never could.  They have abilities different to those around them.  The thing they ‘have’ to do is create music.

Other people can only dream of pursuing such ambitions.  Their lives are too busy, too hectic, too stressful and they just don’t have the time.  I know some people like this and I am humbled by their motivation, their tenacity, their selflessness.  In their lives, they ‘have’ things to do, and they are devoting themselves wholly to doing them, in spite of, often considerable, personal cost.

Someone like me trying to be a writer, often complaining about what ‘hard work’ it is and struggling for the motivation to even open the necessary file could learn a lot from them.

If you’re like me, and lucky enough to have the time to pursue...whatever goal it is you want, then do it.  Chase it.  And may we remember what a privilege that is.

If you’re like those people I know, living a life filled with things you so often feel you have to do, perhaps like the single mother Morgan Freeman’s character mentions, then remember what a miracle you are.  The lives of the people you touch will be all the better for your sacrificial efforts.  And surely that is truly something ‘worthwhile'.

*I’m not big on classifying people; I believe we’re all too individual to fit into tidy boxes. 

Life is not something that happens in the future, life is what we’re doing right now.

An old boss/current friend of mine once asked me what I wanted to do with my life.  I replied: ‘What do you mean?  This is it; this is my life.  I’m doing it, now.’

It seems to me we can often think of our lives as something we’ll do another day.  Maybe it’s about a career we’ll pursue or a relationship we yearn for.  We might be waiting till we can get married, or have kids, or move away from home, or get that dream job – whatever.  I know I’ve had times when I’ve been guilty of treading water, waiting for some day when I can ‘be what I want to be’.

But that’s a waste of where we are now.  There’s so much life out there for us, so much to see, so much to do, so many people to meet.  What if the thing you’re waiting for never happens?  Would you miss out on everything else while you wait for it, maybe forever?

I gave a friend some advice a long time ago – she was single and not happy about it.  We talked about it often and I came up with the idea we should live as though we’ll never get married – don’t put life on hold till we can do things with someone special, because that someone might never appear. 

Live your life, do the things you wish you could do.  Don’t be held back by things you don’t have.  And if there is someone in your life who you want to do them with, then be sure to invite them along for the ride.  Or if it’s that thing you know you’ve always wanted to do with your life, then grasp it with both hands, do it with all your heart and never give it up.

(More Switchfoot, I'm afraid!)

'This is your life.  Are you who you want to be?' - Switchfoot.

The Luxury of Dissatisfaction.

An interpretation of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

I had a long conversation with a good friend last night about how we often feel our jobs are not what we want to do.  

He wondered if it was something in a creative person’s nature: because we know the joy of ‘working’ in our creative fields, we expect to have that same feeling in our paid employment.  ‘Perhaps we expect too much as a result,’ he said.

Being able to think and talk like this is a huge privilege.  Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs suggests that Self-Actualisation is at the very pinnacle of the Motivation Pyramid.  If this is what we’re striving for, it probably means the things below it are already taken care of.  Many people don’t have that luxury.

Someone might be turning out every day to a tedious factory job just to put food on the table for their family.  They do their job, otherwise their loved ones would suffer.  That’s their motivation, their focus.

I’m a single, young(ish), fit and healthy man, living on my own.  I don’t need to worry where my next meal is coming from, and I don’t have responsibility for anybody other than myself.  Which allows me to, basically, do what I want.  If I’m not happy in my career, I can study to be something else; I can dream of what I want to do, and go after my perfect life. 

I’m not saying our factory worker friend doesn’t feel dissatisfied, or dream of a ‘better day’, but they probably don’t have as much time or energy to sit around and talk it through, mull it over, and work towards it.  There are bills to pay, mouths to feed, DIY jobs to do.  They have ‘more important’ things to think about; more important to them and their needs.

Looking at Maslow’s Hierarchy (and it’s probably out of date these days anyway), there are certainly aspects of the lower stages I still don’t have, and yearn for.  But on the whole I’m in that top group.

If we are able to long for creativity and fulfilment in our work, rather than just to provide for ‘more basic’ needs, we are in an elite group.  Dissatisfaction of this kind is an enormous luxury. 

I’ll try and remember that next time I’m moaning...

Activism and doing what you want.

My last post could have gone two ways.  I’d planned to say: rather than my current job being a destination, it could merely be another link in a chain.  Like this:

Discovering what you want to do in life is a huge thing.  It gives you something to strive for.  As I wrote my last post, I realised: no matter what 9-5 role I happen to find, I’ll always be striving towards the goal of being a fiction writer, even if I find a creative job.  I mentioned my last job was creative and tailored to me, but I was still working on my novel and stories.  The job wasn’t enough.

Then there’s the part about being an activist, about wanting to ‘change the world’.  A friend of mine asked: have I really become the activist I wanted to be?  The answer is: ‘yes and no’. 

I've never been one for camping in fields...

Yes, because I do a job for a charity doing good in this world.  I’m not one to stand on the front line, march on Westminster, camp in fields or town centres and all the rest of it; I'm as close as I wanted to get.

And no, because it's not what I wanted to do after all.  To do it ‘properly’, you have to be committed, you have to be willing to put in the extra hours.  The people I work alongside are committed, whereas often I’d rather be at home, writing.  I liked the idea of a role like the one I have, but the reality is too much of a sacrifice for me.  Maybe that’s selfish, and that’s what my last post became about.

The thing about dreams is they’re not always what they seem.  My ‘activism’ dream turned out to not be ideal after all.  But that’s okay, I can dream again.

Here’s a song I love that came to mind while I wrote this:

 ‘I always thought a man should have a dream, to pick himself up when he hits the floor.’

It may be your dream to fight the injustices in this world and that’s great, we need people like that and I will continue to be one of them.  It’s just not my life’s ambition.  (For me, I wonder if ‘activism’ is more something to aspire to in my daily life, rather than being the reason for that life...)

My advice is, if something is not your dream, don’t do it just for the sake of it.  Don’t give up chasing your dream because you think you ‘ought to’ do something else.  Keep chasing, keep searching.  Be whatever it is you, and only you, can be.

And again, I'm gonna plug Don Miller's post: 'Two words that kill passion.'

How to change the world...

I've never been an artist...

It feels like there’s a choice: doing something less personally satisfying for the ‘greater good’, or finding a more enjoyable career path.  I’m beginning to think the latter is better, and it’s not necessarily for selfish reasons.

The little blurb about me at the top right of this page (it’s up there, go on, have a look!), says I’m a ‘wannabe-activist’.  For a long time I dreamed of working for a charity, then of working for a charity I believed in.

Now, I do that very thing; I have pretty much become the ‘activist’ I wanted to be.

The reality, however, is difficult: the workload is stressful, vast and, at times, monotonous.  It’s tough to keep one’s eyes fixed on the reason for turning up each day (beyond paying the bills, of course).  I miss the far more creative work of my previous role, tailored specifically to me and my abilities, even though I wasn’t passionate about the raison d’etre of the charity itself.  And I feel guilty, as though I should nevertheless be satisfied I’m doing something I perceive to be ‘worthwhile’.

A friend of mine (www.goplacidly.com) once said she was giving up on trying to ‘change the world’ and instead was focusing on ‘being happy’.  And now I wonder...

If more people spent their time pursuing the thing they personally find fulfilling, that uses their unique talents, that they find stimulating and rewarding, and that makes them ‘happy’, then wouldn’t the world simply be a better place?

Imagine all the undiscovered painters, unpublished writers, would-be new-scientists, struggling musicians, frustrated architects, potential great leaders ... whatever ... able to do the thing they love, without having to sell-out a part of themselves to the daily grind just to make ends-meet.  What kind of a world would that be?

So go, find the thing you love, chase it, do it, and never give it up.  Because that’s how we can change the world.

(For more on this read ‘Two words that kill passion’– it’s a blog-post from Don Miller. He very eloquently says some stuff I wanted to about how doing what we want doesn't necessarily only lead to sex, drugs, rock n roll, etc...)

The problem of needing a day-job.

It’s Sunday evening, that traditional time for feeling depressed about the impending Monday morning.  When such feelings roll around (and they’re sadly not confined to Sunday evenings...), I wish all the more I could make my living from writing. 

It’s hard pursuing such a career in my spare time because I want some ‘down’ time too.  I want to socialise, I want to watch movies, play music, have fun, but, if I do, certain feelings nag away at me: my writing isn’t getting done; I’m not even half way through my novel; I haven’t submitted anything anywhere in a long while.  Not to mention the ‘feeling tired’ after a day’s paid-work

So I end up feeling guilty and miserable about the lack of progress.

Then there’s the knowledge I’ll never meet anyone – be they friends or otherwise – if I don’t get out and do something, but socialising on a Friday night leaves me yet more tired, inducing yet more guilt – not only did I lose Friday as writing-time, I lost Saturday too. 

It all leaves me feeling very frustrated that I can’t get up tomorrow, do a good 7-8 hours writing work, and then have time to meet people/play my guitar/crash in front of a DVD/whatever.

The privileged few who are paid fiction writers are my chief source of envy at the moment.  And knowing that they’re a ‘privileged few’ doesn’t exactly help either: even if I sacrifice my social life etc for a year to complete my novel, the chances are it still won’t get me what I want.

I guess all there is to do is keep plugging away, keep tapping away at this keyboard as best I can, whenever I can.  Like a marathon runner: focus too much on the twenty-odd miles left, and you’ll not have the strength for the next yard.  The only way to finish is one step – one word, one sentence – at a time. 

So here I go...plodding on. 

What to do in a crisis of confidence?

Hold on to whatever talents we have...

So, the fateful day of my redundancy has arrived. Tomorrow I leave my job. And, yeah, it sucks. 

I killed my blog for a while as I took stock of my situation and threw myself into job applications etc. But I’m back. Because it’s good for me (and maybe you too?).

Sometimes things can affect us more than we think they will. I didn’t expect losing my job to matter that much to me, but it does. Several people have noted that I’ve gone into a bit of a ‘winter depression’ lately and I’m certain a) that they’re right, and b) it’s largely due to my impending unemployment.

What to do about it, then? A colleague of mine yesterday commented that being unemployed can vastly hurt your self-confidence: even ‘low’ jobs can start to seem overly aspirational (I’m not going to list any through fear of offending someone!), which is partly why I’m resurrecting my blog. Writing is something I believe I’m good at; it’s one of the few positive things I actually hold true of myself regardless of what anyone else thinks, and that’s due to some great, supportive, honest and trustworthy friends of mine who have given me confidence and chance to ‘fly’ with it. (Rebecca, that means you!)

My unemployment certainly has hit me hard. But I’m still a good writer. So, I’m trying to focus on that and the fact that not having to go to a 9-5 job gives me time and chance to pursue my writing. 

And that’s my advice for this post – losing a job, girlfriend/boyfriend, opportunity, or anything else doesn’t mean we’re any less of a worthwhile human being. We still have our unique strengths, talents, and great characteristics, so cling on to those and the fact of their existence. 

Which actually only leaves the financial implications of being out of work...I’ll let you know if I think of a solution to those.

Too busy?

This week I’ve been busy – too busy – and so have had to consider which of the many things I do are most important.

In life, knowing what you want to do is at least half the battle. That can be a pretty difficult thing to decide and many an office is staffed by people who never quite worked it out. (Seriously, who grows up saying, ‘I want to be an administrator!’?)

But once you do know, then everything can kind of flow from that. Decisions are made easy: should you do this, or that? Which one helps you make most progress towards your overall ambition? Say yes to things that help, and no to things that won’t.

To that end, this week I’ve shelved plans for a podcast series after just one episode (sorry to those who enjoyed the first! It may return eventually...), and I’ve had to tell a friend I can’t do a music-jam we’d sort of decided on, because I'd need to practice. (Felt bad about that one...)

Overall, though, I feel better for it: it’s freed up time for uni work and my numerous writing projects (Bambi and The Chopper 2 is coming along nicely, as is a brand new non-fiction project!). If I’d allowed myself to be distracted by other things – good though they are as well – I’d have ended up further from being the writer I want to be.

So, find yourself too busy? Then think about what it is you want to be.

Maybe it’s time for an activity-cull...

Thoughts on redundancy and following your dreams

© Edward Monkton

In the last couple of days, I've learned that I will soon be joining the ranks of those who have been made redundant in recent times. But I'm feeling pretty positive about it, and here’s why…

Last week, I read a blog-post by a guy whose stuff I really love reading. Don Miller talks a lot about telling good stories with our lives, and on this occasion he wrote that, most of the time, the best stories come out of facing our fears. Of course, sometimes it ends in tragedy, and we have to accept that might happen, but the potential gains can be far greater. You can read his post here.

If you or I want to achieve our ambitions, live our dreams, then sitting at a 9-5 desk job, pushing paper or moving numbers around a spreadsheet probably isn’t going to get us far towards it. In fact, it’s likely to have the opposite effect: stifling our creativity as we get more bored and more frustrated with every passing year, becoming regretful and bitter about wasting our lives.

That’s certainly how I would feel anyway. That desk (or checkout, or assembly line, or bus driver’s seat) might be safe, it might offer a certain financial security, but is that what life is all about? Is there nothing more to do than simply make enough money to pay the bills and perhaps enjoy some sort of leisure time, if there’s time, out of hours?

I’m not naïve enough to think those bills don’t need paying and I, more than most, understand that very few people can afford to jump out of the ‘plane’ of employed stability. But there are foolish gambles, and then there are acceptable risks.

I’d say that few things in this life are more important than being the person we feel we're supposed to be. Whether you believe in a Creator who designed you for a purpose, or whether you just want to make the most of the brief time you have on this planet, what’s stopping you from chasing after your dreams? Why not make a start on removing whatever those barriers are – today?

Sure, it might take time, especially if money is the main reason you haven’t done it. But if you make a start now, that time will no longer be wasted, however long it takes. We’re fortunate in this country to have luxuries much of the world can only dream of, and I’m particularly mindful of this with the current drought situation in Africa. So let’s not take these luxuries for granted; let’s make the best use of them we can. Perhaps your ‘dream’ might even be to help others less fortunate?

For me, losing the comfort-blanket of secure employment has made me re-focus on going after what I really want to do. Yes, it’s scary, but it’s also exciting. And I can’t wait for the next chapter.

How about you?

‘Even though it’s a long, long way from Hollywood

At least it’s a start, it’s a start.

You can end up places you never thought you could

If you make a start, so just make a start.’ 

Flight Brigade

‘A Girl Who Loves Her Smoke And Wine’ © 2010

Work, rest and play?

I’m pretty good at working – not just in my day job, which I do alright at, but at home as well: you might notice I’m always ‘working’ on things like this blog, or my stories and songs.

I’m also pretty good at playing too – I go out with my friends, have fun, watch a movie or engage in some other past-time.

I’m less good at resting; I really struggle to just…stop. When I do, I feel like I’m wasting time: I feel guilty for not doing the other, more productive, things on my list. Consequently, I often have days when I get up, go and do a day’s work, then come home and immediately crack on with some writing, uni work, music or website creation. It can be 10/11 o clock at night before I finally down tools and go to bed.

If you discount meal breaks, that’s easily 12 hours of ‘work’ a day.

Even if I go out of an evening, I’m not really ‘resting’ – it can be a lot of effort to get ready, be sociable (especially on days when I’m not on top form), and if I’m performing at an open mic, then that’s a different sort of ‘work’ as well.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy all these things, very much so. Many of them I class as ‘leisure time’ and I’m very grateful to have the time, ability and privilege to pursue so many different interests. But I do get tired and burn-out for a time every now and then.

Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you deal with the ‘guilt’ of un-productivity? I’m thinking if I organise myself better, manage my time and build in ‘rest’ to my schedule, then I might feel less guilty.

But, again, I’m reminded of songs warning against treating everything like a business-plan. A good friend of mine, John Froud, once sang: ‘I see a world wounded, or should I be blind? Downsize my ambition, better manage my time?’ (John Froud, ‘Finished’. © 2000)

I might not be looking to ‘heal’ the world with much of my work, but it resonates even so…

Thoughts?

Express yourself! How much are we defined by what we do?

I once thought the contents of this table
pretty much defined me!

One thing I’ve noticed about meeting people for the first time is how reliant we are on careers.

Nearly every time I’ve been introduced to someone, I’ve been asked, ‘What do you do for a living?’ And it’s a question I dread, because what I do as my job actually says very little about who I am.

In fact, if people find out what I do, it actually gives quite the wrong impression about who I am! It’s counter-productive, both in them getting to know me, and in me expressing myself, and can lead to me having to do a lot of recovery work to repaint myself in their eyes.

Which is why I dread it.

This might not be true for a lot of people; some people probably have careers that they chose a long time ago and worked hard to do – maybe you’re a doctor, or a teacher, or a solicitor. Perhaps you’re lucky enough to be a musician, writer or painter. But it still doesn’t necessarily define you. Perhaps there’s a reason why you chose a particular career, or maybe you’re considering a career change and would rather people knew that about you.

This is a subject one of my favourite authors picked up on in a blog post last year. Don Miller wrote about ways of getting to know someone, and he said it’s about finding out their story – where have they come from? How did they get here? What are their ambitions? Of course, these are big questions and not necessarily suited to small-talk scenarios, but I do think there’s scope for improving on the ‘what do you do’ opener.

For example, I try and find out what someone likes doing. Once you’ve found out what their job is (partly because everyone expects that question!), ask them if they enjoy it. If not, then you can find out what they’d rather be doing: their answers might open up a whole load of other conversation topics and, before you know it, you’ve really started to get to know them. Or, it might be that they are in fact passionate about their job, in which case they can tell you about it and you know you’re getting an insight into their soul and who they are.

People like talking about themselves, so let them – they’ll like you for it!

Unless you're not really interested, in which case, do everyone a favour, and just walk away...