Saturday, 29 October 2011

Winter blues?

As I mentioned last-post (it seems weird that ‘blog-posts’ have become a unit of time for me), I have reluctantly accepted that I’ve entered a period of ‘Depression’. I’ve been trying to deny it for about a month, but it’s obvious.

Mostly this has left me feeling frustrated – there’s no real reason for it, other than the job-loss, but that’s not what the empty-hollow-sadness-in-the-stomach is about. I don’t know what it’s about: like one of those itches you just can’t find, scratching at the spot you think it’s at doesn’t provide relief.

There’s a blog I like, and this week it had this post.

The beginning, at least, is how I feel at the moment. I feel frustrated because I can’t just seem to ‘snap out’ of my sadness, and I feel disappointed in myself because I’m better than this: I’m not being ‘me’ – the fun-to-be-with, creative genius that many people have come to know and love.

On the plus side, I’m out of bed (writing this in Starbuck’s (other coffee shops are available)), and refusing to give in. Yes, my days are a struggle at the moment, and leave me feeling somewhat weary just by living: CBT is great, but the thought processes take effort, and when it’s a near-constant stream of negative thoughts you have to challenge, it can be draining.

But there’s a song that cheered me up a little this morning: Fader by The Temper Trap.

It contains the line: ‘I pledge myself allegiance to a better night’s sleep at home,’ which, whilst grammatically awful, contains a kernel of some way forward: I might not feel like doing much, so why not just get a better night’s sleep? Sleep is healing, after all, and it’s Winter anyway, so what better time to hibernate a little?

And maybe my frustration can serve as a catalyst as well – I wrote about anger being a motivation once before, so, if I/we let it, perhaps frustration at a situation can give way to a stubborn refusal to give in. So far, at least, that’s where I’m at.

I’d just like a happy day or two along the way if that’s not too much trouble, Santa. Thanks.

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