I think the key is that I now recognise the positives of being single, of which there are many! I guess the main one is obvious: I can do as I please. Not in a selfish way, or at least not in a hurtful selfish way, I just mean that I can spend my time, money and space on things I enjoy without having to worry about whether a partner enjoys/likes/wants it.
For example, I am getting a giant poster of a DeLorean car to go on my living room wall. Find me a lady who’d be willing to allow this in our front room and I may well choose to marry her tomorrow.
My weekends and evenings are free for me to use for my own projects – I can work on writing, or my university coursework, or music or…anything. I can, if I choose, spend an afternoon racing virtual Formula One cars around the world’s race tracks on my computer. Or I can take a book to a coffee shop and read it, undisturbed, for as long as I choose. I can go out, meet friends, male and female, and enjoy the time and the company without having to worry about making a partner jealous or whether they’re having a good time. In many ways, life is just a whole lot simpler.
Of course, it’s sometimes less than enjoyable coming home alone and we all suffer from loneliness at times I guess. But, I find that loneliness usually passes by the morning; my experience of relationships is that they can cause heartache which can last for months, even years.
But does it have to be like this? I’m finally beginning to think not!
I’ve discovered that, whilst I used to believe I was (more) sad when I was single and (more) happy in a relationship, I am actually capable of being either, whether single or not. It sounds obvious, but it wasn’t for me.
Now, I’ve started to carve out far more time for the things I enjoy – some I’ve listed above – that, if I were to find another girlfriend, I would still want to make time to do. Because if I stop doing them, I’ll end up sad, even though I have a relationship which was supposed to make me happy. If that happens, the ensuing inevitable break-up will undoubtedly make me far unhappier than I’d ever been previously, and the vicious circle goes on.
So it isn’t about avoiding a relationship to avoid a broken heart, to stay happy, it’s about becoming a ‘healthier’ human being in general, able to enjoy life with or without a girlfriend.
I used to think that it might not be fair to ask a girl to deal with my Depression – living with it is hard, for anyone. But, actually, it’s beginning to look/feel as though I have a firmer grip on the condition myself, and so she wouldn’t have to deal with it, at least not as much. By identifying the triggers, and the things that can stop me getting to such a low point, any prospective partner will have an easier time…
But she’s still going to have to deal with large, time machine-based décor. Fact.