A barely-a-person morning

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On Monday, I spent the morning in bed. I wasn't tired, and I wasn't ill. (At least not physically, but I'll get to that.)

And I wasn't just being lazy.

It started at 4 am when I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Then it continued a little later after I'd navigated the necessity of a boiler service visit. 

I lay on the bed because I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do.

It wasn't a thought solely about that moment either: 

• I thought about my career - I'm 41 and still don't know what I want to do.
• I thought about my hobbies and how I'm not very good at any of the ones I try, and they don't often interest me enough to be worth setting myself up to do them.
• And, yes, I didn't know what I wanted to do right then either: anything I thought of doing that day was either too expensive, too far away, or too much effort.

Time ticked by. An hour. Two hours. My mind looping around the same tired thoughts and counter-arguments, the walls of my 'box' (as I refer to my depression) closing in.

I started wondering if all I really wanted was to be dead so I didn't have to think about what to do ever again. Or, less severe, if I should just remain in bed till the next day. 

But then I remembered the next day was a work day, and that made me feel like I should 'make the most' of the day off, which made me think more about how there was nothing I wanted to do...

So, I felt lazy. And therefore guilty.

On top of that, it was J's last day of holiday. Great: I was ruining that too.

I thought of the things I had planned later in the week, and whether I could still afford to do them. Or if I could manage to fake 'okay-ness' enough again to get through them. 

I worried about choosing not to do them, and how that might look to the people I'm doing them with. I wondered if I'd ever hear from them again if I bailed. 

Another hour passed and still I stayed in bed, thinking and wondering, my mood getting lower and lower...

The ending came eventually and I don't have much that is positive to say about that time. Although, at least I was thinking about these things. So, on some level, I wanted to find out what I wanted/want to do. I want to get better; I want to improve.

I suppose that's a good thing. Even if my lack of answers leads me to stay in bed...